EverydayParkinsons

As a writer, I spend a lot of time in my head. I think about a lot of different things. I think about work (generally not at work, but at 3am.) I think of all the projects I want to take on at home that require money I don’t have or a team of expert engineers to complete. I think about my dogs quite a bit and what they would sound like if they could talk to me – Maybe even to a point where it is slightly unhealthy. Then I spend an inordinate amount of time trying out voices I think would suit them. I also do this with my cats, but not to the same extent. I have one cat named, Cletus (I have been banned from naming any animal after naming him Cletus,) and his voice is very easy. It’s a thick and slow southern accent. He says ‘Yup” a lot and “You’re the man, John” even more.

Unfortunately, the majority of my time is thinking up new ideas for terrible stories. To be honest, they do sound good at the beginning. Generally, I tell these stories to Julie (my wonderful, yet tortured wife.) Mostly, she just goes along with it and nods her head. Occasionally, she will insert a “that sounds offensive.” I will invariably say, “to who?” She will respond with, “to humanity as a whole.”  We have been together for a long time and she has been inoculated to the weird things that come from my brain, but not all of them. HAHA. I think this article will even get an eyebrow raise from her.

Recently, I have turned my mind towards writing about Parkinson’s. I guess you knew this already since you have been reading my blog. Right? I think it was inevitable that eventually I would think about writing fiction stories about Parkinson’s.

I will not apologize for the awfulness of these story ideas, but I will warn you they are truly terrible. I don’t think I will offend humanity with any of these. But, if you are offended by anything I wrote here, I am truly sorry. My goal is not to offend but to giggle.

The Legend of The Parkinson’s Kid

In all the Wild Wild West stories that came out of the Wild Wild West, none have been so ignored as The Legend of The Parkinson’s Kid.

Thomas was 25 years old when he was diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinsons (Yes, I know Parkinson’s hadn’t been invented yet. Just go with it. It’s a story. I also know it was not invented.) Thomas was a gunslinger who could shoot the eye out of a fly at point blank range. He was slowly becoming recognized among the other gunslingers, but never stood out among the crowded fields of rampaging gunslingers.

One day, he noticed his hand shaking as he was doing some target practice. Thinking he had picked up something at the local brothel, he went to the local doc who told him he had Parkinson’s.(See above.)  He immediately began the leech treatments which were the Sinemet of the day.

After one such treatment (that honestly did not work at all) he was walking through town when he ran into Satanic Sam, the most evil, vile man to ever walk the earth. Thomas tried to duck around a corner so he would not be seen by ole Satanic Sam. Everyone knew about Satanic Sam and his exploits. Mother rapin’. Father rapin’ (see Alices Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie for reference). Heck he once kicked a dog that got in his way over the tallest building in town. He was a terrible, terrible man. But that wasn’t why he was called Satanic Sam. His name came from a tragic incident in his youth where he was involved in a head on collision between his horse and an 8 prong deer. Let’s just say the deer died but the horns stuck around – in the head of Sam.

Sam saw the young buck of a gunslinger and took off after him. He finally caught up to him heading in to the local saloon.

Thomas quickly jumped on a stool and pretended he’d been there for hours. But when Sam entered and the whole saloon went as quite as the desert at night, Thomas knew he’d been given away when the entire bar turned to look at him.

“Get up, Youngin’! Lets do this. Right here. Right now.”

Poor Thomas. Trembling from both fear and Parkinson’s, stood up. He knew his days were over but pulled his pistol out any way. The pistol bounced around like it was on a trampoline. Everyone laughed. Even Sam. “Okay boy,” Sam said, “I’ll give you the first shot since your shakin’ so bad.”

Thomas raised his gun, sighting in on Sam, then the wall behind Sam, then the people at the bar. Then the ceiling. He closed his eyes. He could feel the gun still bouncing around like a jack rabbit and pulled the trigger.

The explosion of the barrel was quickly followed by absolute silence and then a thump from across the room.

He’s done it. He killed Satanic Sam the most evil, vile human to ever live. He was not sure how he did it but noticed there was a few ricochet marks around the room.

This is how the legend of the Parkinson’s kid was born. After killing Satanic Sam, he was challenged the very next day and instead of shooting his opponent he shot a horse. The horse survived. Sam did not.

Switching Sideways

Mary and Willemena met in a Rock Steady Boxing Class and developed a fast friendship – a friendship born of a shared disease and the need for companionship. They were friends of the truest sort. Either would do anything for the other.

But there were cracks in that friendship as there are in all friendships. Petty jealously. She’s prettier than me. She’s better at boxing than me. She has a nicer car than me. Why doesn’t she have balance problems like me. Why do I shake more than her? You know typical things we all think. All of these types of things went unsaid. Neither wanted to upset the friendship.

One day after boxing class, Mary and Willemena were sitting outside at a café, drinking decaffeinated coffee (Well, duh. They do have Parkinsons.) They had been talking about their lives, about their husbands, about their ungrateful children, about the state of the world. Yet, these petty jealousies crept up as the conversation continued and they both thought at the exact same moment, “I wish, I could live in her body and she could live in mine.”

As they had been sitting there, a thunderstorm had been building overhead. The moment they had made the wish, the first lightning bolt of the thunderstorm crashed into the pair. Throwing them both to the ground.

We all know the magical power of the first strike of lightning from a storm brings. This one was no different.

When they picked themselves up off the sidewalk and looked at each other, they were dumbfounded. Willemena was looking at her own body and Mary was looking at her own body. Somehow, they had transferred bodies.

Their first thoughts were, “Damn I look good!”

So enamored they were with seeing their own selves they quickly fell in love. And it was a romance of the ages.

They left their children, husbands, and families behind and opened a Rock Steady Boxing Studio in Taos, New Mexico. In their spare time they raised miniature goats and capuchin Monkeys and started a roadside circus. They became known as the Shakey Sisters. And when the progression of Parkinson finally caught up to them 20 years later, their children moved to the farm and took care of the animals and taught the boxing classes. Their husbands did not join them.

Tremors

 Trevor, a research Scientist working on a cure for Parkinson’s develops a new and innovative approach to curing Parkinson’s. He thinks he has found the cure, but big pharma won’t let him take it to human trials, so he decides to do it on his own.

After renting an old warehouse and recruiting a group of Parkinson’s patients, he begins his trial. The first few seem very promising, but each has unusual side effects. However, in batch MMF, he discover the strangest side effect of all. Instead of the tremors disappearing, they increased 100 fold.

In this amazing twist of fate, Trevor realizes that his cure is a complete and utter failure.

On his way home from his last trial, he stops at Home Depot for a gallon of paint for his wife, who is painting their new baby’s room. When the man goes to put the paint into the paint shaker, the machine immediately breaks and starts to smoke.

There are epiphanies and then there are EPIPHANIES and Trevor had the latter. What if he could use his MMF formula to create an army of super paint shakers, replacing the old outdated paint shaking machines? What if he could turn Parkinson’s patients into a workforce never seen.

Would Trevor literally shake the world apart with his discovery or will he be forced to use his now found workforce to take over the world. How will the worlds of big pharma and big medical react. Will they try and stop him? How will his wife react when he doesn’t come home with the paint for the baby’s room. Did he actually even remember the right color?

Back to The Future Again

Michael J fox and Christopher Lloyd portray themselves in this futuristic drama. This time the duo use the flux capacitor to go forward 300 hundred years to find and return with the cure for Parkinson’s.

When they arrive, they notice something is immediately off. Everyone is walking with a shuffling gait, have no expressions, and everyone has tremors. They quickly learn that in this future reality, Parkinson’s has become a fashion statement and is decreed by law to be infected with it. They have not cured it. Instead they found a way to spread it.

Saddened by this reality, Michael and Chris try to make their way back to the Delorean, but it becomes apparent that Chris does not have Parkinson’s. He is immediately arrested and put in jail for the crime of being Parkinson’s Free.

Michael is left on his own to figure out how to break Chris out of jail and reverse this timeline. After all, the Delorean’s flux capacitor still needs to be charged and Chris is the only one capable.

It is also quite apparent that Biff has somehow changed the timeline to make Parkinson’s the law of the land thus thwarting all of Michaels work in the past. In the center square, where the old clocktower stood was now a statue of Biff with one foot on the back of Michael J. Fox.

What happens when they discover that Michael J Fox is Michael J. Fox and is present in this new reality? Will he really be a villain for his role in fighting Parkinson’s? How does he break Chris free of his prison cell? How does he stop Biff for once and all. Most importantly, will Michael break out another sweet, sweet guitar solo?

Oh, for God’s sake! It talks now?

John, a recently diagnosed person with Parkinson’s starts a blog. His goal is to take a lighthearted stab at life with Parkinson’s and hopefully create a little joy in a serious subject.

As he starts writing, he hears a little voice. “Hey John, hey John, Can you hear me?”

John looks around. There is no one else home. Then he hears it again but this time he decides to answer. “Yes, I hear you. Who the heck is this? Have I finally lost what is left of my mind?”

“My name is Jimmy and I am your personal Parkinson’s disease. I just wanted to say thanks for writing about me and giving me a name. I feel so very close to you now.”

Thus began a friendship for the story books.

In this buddy comedy, John and his pal go on all sorts of adventures and get into all kinds of shenanigans. Except for one thing. No one else can see or hear Jimmy. How will others react to John’s newfound friend that no one else can see or can they? Will Parkinson’s start waking up in others and talking to them as well?” Can one person’s Parkinson’s talk to another? Oh shit, this can’t be good.

Well, there you have it folks, welcome to inside my brain. I hope you have not been offended. If I want to leave you with anything meaningful from this blog post is, that it is okay to be silly and think ridiculous things. Do any of you see a new Back to the Future movie collab coming soon?